Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Canada for Dummies

A short primer to explain Canada to anyone who might be interested.

Ø Canada is a nation undivided, true north strong and free from coast to coast to coast, and;
Ø within the Nation of Canada is another nation of the Quebecois which has only one coast but lots of votes, but;
Ø that coast is claimed by First Nations who have expensive lawyers paid by the citizens of the nation of Canada to help the First Nations take back as much land and resources from Canada as they can, and;
Ø meanwhile, that nation of the Quebecois has its nationals spread throughout the rest of Canada while anyone else living in Quebec who isn’t a Quebecois is a Quebecer and a Canadian and maybe also a Lebanese or a Tamil, or a Palestinian but definitely not an American unless he is a draft dodger, but;
Ø a Quebecer can vote for the Bloc Quebecois or the Parti Quebecois if that Quebecer wants to be Quebecois and not a Canadian, and meanwhile they can enjoy all the benefits of being Canadian especially if they are caught in the crossfire in some other country where they also happen to be citizens in which case they call the Canadian consulate and Canadians send a plane to pick them up, and furthermore;
Ø the newly appointed Leader of the Opposition is a Canadian and a Quebecois and also a citizen of France (though he doesn’t like to talk about it and gets grumpy when the subject is brought up) and Canada’s Governor General (who in a tight situation would be called upon to decide who is the next Prime Minister) is a citizen of Canada and a citizen of France but not a Quebecois because she was born in Haiti but her husband is a Quebecois and they both once strongly supported the FLQ which was a small Quebecois terrorist group that blew up post boxes and killed cabinet ministers and created other nuisances, but;
Ø the Prime Minister of Canada is only a Canadian and he didn’t travel outside Canada much before he became Prime Minister and his French (the language of the Quebecois is only so-so, kind of like the Leader of the Opposition’s English) and he would look silly in a beret and he has never lived in Quebec and most university graduates who live in Canadian cities along with almost all university professors and readers of the Globe & Mail find him scary, so he likely won’t be Prime Minister for long.
Ø Welcome to Canada, a Nation of Nations united and undivided. God (if he existed) Bless Canada, Eh!